Created: 01-04-2001
Last update: 15-01-2022


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The Old Quotes page

All the pics and accompanying soundfiles to have graced the main page so far, starting with the oldest. (Click on the picture to hear the quote, and click here for the most recent one.)

This quote is taken from Klutter, a cartoon about a heap of clutter come to life. The situation: a group of children is trying to stay awake until 2 a.m. to watch a horror movie, and to that end have put up a tent on the lawn. The father of one of them occasionally looks outside to see how they're doing.

Taken from Yes Minister, a comedy about British politics. Humphries, the minister's secretary, wants to quit his job. That's not quite how he expresses it, though.

Ned Flanders, filling in his tax form right on time on the first of January, and telling his son what taxes are for.

This is one for Father's Day. Duckman has traced his biological father, a paranoid redneck, and decided to adopt his lifestyle. His family, believing he is being held against his will, feel morally obliged to save him.

A rather endearing one this time. Kermit, as the dashing swordfighter Captain Smollett in Muppet Treasure Island, confesses his personal belief when his sword slips from his hand and he feels the opponent's blade at his throat.

And another one for Father's Day! Although the Simpsons are fonder of their father than the Duckmans, they're just as realistic in their assessment of him.

Here's a bit of wisdom from X-file investigators Mulder and Scully, taken from the episode "Millennium":

From the first episodes of Blake's 7, that heady time between their escape and the Federation's calling in major badguy Travis to hunt them down, when it seemed that the sky was the limit: Vila asks some security personnel for advice.

From the second episode of God, the Devil and Bob, which is about, well, God, the Devil and Bob. Recorded from the BBC as, needless to say, this series was banned in the US...

X-Files again: episode 6 of season 1, Mulder comments on the fact that a suspect of theirs has just put some flowers on the gravestone of her former employer.

From the highly anthropomorphic Antz: this is the kind of conversation you can expect if you're engaged to a high-ranking member of the military.

The host of the show The Kumars at no. 42 greatly scandalizes his family when he displays his new tattoo.

One of the presenters of Celebrity Deathmatch discovers a sign that their guest presenter may be a deranged psychopath.

From Doctor Terrible's House of Horrible (or was that the other way round?): the Victorian detective's way of saying "I meant to do that".

From the sitcom Frasier: After a minor infraction by his son and a quick change of places, Martin Crane regrets what he said about that same policeman at their previous meeting.

Taken from the Charlie Brown film where the Peanuts club go to summer camp. Seeing these beds, I can imagine why someone would ask.

From shrink sitcom Frasier again: it's always comforting to be assured of one's sanity by the expert.

A double quote this time to compensate for last quarter's non-update:

101 Dalmatians: while chasing ninety-nine spotted fugitives, one pup-napper makes a remark to the other on Man's superiority to (other) animals, which the obstacle they are approaching is about to prove wrong.

Chicken Run: a bit of semantic confusion between egg-farmer Tweedy and his chicken-hating wife as the former is beset by furious fowl.

While the animated Jackie Chan gazes fearfully upon the dreaded Black Ninjas, his companion destroys the whole ninja mystique with one cutting observation.

From WWII parody Allo allo: just what do Gestapo spies do in their spare time?

I have no idea what this series is called, but the reason this restaurant owner gives for begging this girl to play waitress on the day he expects a visit from a famous food critic suggests he will not get a good review.

Sole survivor of the Buffy Page: principal Flutie's musings about the Good Old Days end in an insightful observation.

Baldrick explains his aversion of hospitals to Captain Blackadder.

Another one from Captain Blackadder goes forth: although Melchett probably isn't referring to us wage slaves, I still emphatically agree with his statement.

In The Powers That Be, Sophie Lipkin indirectly reveals why family dinners are such a drag.

Yes Minister again, a tribute to last year's elections. Humphries describes the essential qualities of a (prime) minister.

In Monthy Python's The Meaning of Life, "Part I: The Miracle of Birth", the expectant mother finds that her timid offer to help is not appreciated.

This new year's quote features an ancient Eekstravaganza ep making an obscure (to me, at that time) reference to the currently most popular man in America, before he retires to make way for the next election's crimocrat.

From 2001 - A Space Travesty: a mistake that's easy to make, both in reading and writing, about anyone who's held that office lately.

From the Muppet Show with Julie Andrews. No comment needed.

For all the creationists out there, accidentally subtitled in Dutch. A caveman thinks he's safe from prehistoric piranhas on dry land, only to find they've already passed that hurdle.

Three quotes this time, from a film trying to explain the phenomenon "guys".

First, a word on how toys reinforce gender roles, as studied by experts.

Second, a word on "guys". The picture explains it all.

Third and final: a "guy" tries to fix a leak in the basement while his worried wife is comforted by a friend who is also married to a "guy".

What a fertile source of quotes a film can be. Three quotes again, but four screenshots, from the film of the same name about Sacha Baron Cohen's latest personage, "Brüno", showing the world how to heckle homophobes. I passed on the "gay" jokes to instead show those that ridiculize the other target of this film: the fashion world.

Brüno introduces himself and the magazine he works for.

Rejected by the fashion world after he made a fool of himself on the catwalk, Brüno is no longer welcome in the hip clubs that he once frequented, no matter how he begs and pleads. This one doesn't need a soundbyte: the subtitle is enough.

Vowing to regain his status, he goes to the USA and, true to his fashion background, plans a photoshoot with children to put his newly adopted African baby in the limelight. The parents remain remarkably unconcerned both about the requirements for their baby models and the costumes they will wear.

When even that fails and he ends up childless and deserted even by his faithful assistant Lutz, he sees something in a shopfront that pulls him out of his depression. This one pokes fun at both MySpace and Scientology.

For the dark winter months, some insights from the film Beowulf, which puts the Old English epic of the same name into pictures, quotes it, questions it and ultimately inverts it.

After a long, empassioned and somewhat testosterone-driven speech by the hero on how he is going to punish the monster Grendel, his reply to a sceptical native lets on that brains are worth more than brawn.

To warm up the audience's enthusiasm before serving the main course, the original epic extolled Beowulf's great strength and swimming prowess. Beowulf has a different view on the matter.

Their work done, the Geats sail home, the bard composing the tale of their heroism with a little Christian imagery snuck in. And a little hypocrisy.

Just one quote this time: the only funny line in Boytown, a comedy film about the members of a former boy band who want to make a comeback.

What do you get when you mix dinosaurs and old-world British humour? The Lost World is not a comedy, but with two driven scientists, a safari-going aristocrat, a young journalist on his first big assignment and a jungle-wise girl to look after them, it's surprisingly entertaining.

How being chased by a dinosaur can resemble the chase scene in a Bugs Bunny cartoon:

After climbing out of the trap in which the journalist, the girl and the dinosaur have fallen, killing the latter, the journalist reacts as only a British gentleman can.

If you can hear it over the howling apes and shouting natives: Professor Challenger shows what a forgiving breed scientists are (to anything that is a rare species) when explaining to Lord Roxton why he refuses to let anyone kill the hominids that captured him earlier.

Unable to record anything new, I pulled a quote from 2005 off the old Buffy Page: Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the TV series) complaining about the extra jobs the headmaster gives her, yet snapping into action when Giles needs her hacker skills. The page is gone, but the quote is too good to discard.

From Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery: a therapist trying to improve a father-son relation finds that this is not so easy when the father is a supervillain.

Balls of Fury is the heartwarming story of a loud, obnoxious American fatty who, as per Hollywood directive, wins against incredible odds and gets the girl - but not before having been humiliated in every way possible. The balls referred to are those used in ping-pong.

Invited into the den of Feng, a Triad (Chinese mafia) boss and ping-pong fanatic, the American, Randy Daytona, is offered one of Feng's courtesans by his evil henchwoman. It's long, but worth hearing out to the end.

The film ridicules not only American but all sorts of stereotypes, like the Chinese wise old man. Here, Randy's mentor (who is blind, hence his other senses are enhanced) thinks he's putting down an uppity rival.

Of course the star of the film is Christopher Walken as Feng, explaining to the dumb American what the audience understood the moment the matches were announced as "elimination, sudden death".

While cleaning out some USB pendrives, I came across two soundbytes from The Powers that Be, a mildly satirical series about a politician, his advisors and his dysfunctional family. The first is dedicated to every presidential election, ever. The second, to the annual end-of-year merriment that I always do my best to avoid.

Not immediately funny, but depending on running gags, vulgarity and an absurd, Monty Python type humour is The Ten, an alternative illustration of the Ten Commandments by a hen-pecked husband whose marriage is disintegrating onstage, while the morality of his parables is ambiguous if not downright puzzling. Well, it was good for two one-liners.

The surgeon who deliberately left a pair of scissors in a patient, finally runs into someone who understands his sense of humour.

It's not so much what's being said, as who's saying it.

The quotes are out of the boxed set of five seasons of Agatha Christie's Miss Marple, because I liked the Oberon Media adaptation of Hercule Poirot's adventures, and expected to similarly drift away in a fantasy world of genteel British tea-sipping against a backdrop of former glory and old money while watching this lot. Although the murder mysteries were cleverly constructed, and there is a certain amount of dry wit - especially from the turtle-necked and somewhat sly original Miss Marple, as opposed to the solemn "withered English rose" type who replaced her from the fourth season onwards - I felt a certain dissonance of cultural values in being expected to like the kind of creepy, nosy little villages she operates and lives in (I live in one myself, and don't enjoy it) and condemn the murderers, even those who killed out of love or revenge or both, while admiring the former British Empire, itself founded on government-approved mass-murdering, and the "war heroes" (since the time frame is just after the Second World War) who racked up a far higher body count, and got a medal for it. But at least the set will keep me in quotes for two updates, starting with the first two quotes that each needed three pictures to make any sense.

In keeping with the Christmas season, a small ballet troupe is rehearsing the Nutcracker ballet. The dancer playing the Sugar Plum Fairy is gently reproached for not moving gracefully enough, and her co-star, less gently for expressing disdain.

Even though Agatha Christie's mysteries tend to indulge in nostalgia for the Good Old Days, the crafty and mischievous Miss Marple of the first three seasons shows that she is not quite ignorant of modern slang.

One last quote from the Miss Marple boxed set: the immediate reaction of a woman who hears of her father's death.

Why kick a country when it's down, that is to say, why be mean to Americans when they "reformed themselves" by voting for Nice Old Joe? Because, while I'm sure Joe Biden is very nice in person, politically he's not great, and there were plenty of better candidates who were shunned by voters for being too coloured/woman/both. Besides, I remember when Americans "reformed themselves" after Bush the Anti-Terrist by voting for Obama, a rare example of an American president who wasn't a complete disgrace, and then, thinking that all was forgiven and forgotten, followed up with Trump. To me, Americans will be for evermore The Deplorables, a goldmine for comedians, and a painful reminder that comedy is a coping strategy.

All quotes taken from Our Cartoon President seasons 1 to 3, deliberately omitting the sight and sound of a character that the world has seen enough of, thank you very much.

Season 1, episode 1: after cartoon Trump has stomped off because his generals wouldn't even let him start a nuclear war to increase his poll numbers (bear in mind Trump actually tried this with North Korea), their reactions serve to remind that the events of January 6, 2021 were something anyone could have seen coming.

Season 1, episode 6: political reptilian Ted Cruz runs on expressing the wishes and opinions of red-blooded True Americans, which is also why American children want bullet-proof backpacks for their birthday. And no, that was not a joke.

Season 1, episode 9: this may just be my favourite quote of the whole series.

Season 2, episode 2, press conference at the White House: remember when Trump wanted "wall", a disastrous project with ample helpings of grift and fraud on the side, caused an unnecessary but damaging government shutdown to get his way, seemed to reconsider, but then insisted after all because two screechy shit-stirrers on Fox bad-mouthed him for "caving"?

Season 3, episode 16: make fun of the one stupid person in the room, and Americans will demand that everyone else be made fun of too, for "balance". As a result, the series parodies all politicians equally, grossly exaggerating the "lefties" while only scratching the surface for the wingnuts. Hear cartoon Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's plans for the Democrat future, and keep in mind that the real AOC doesn't actually want to kill anyone, even though she regularly receives credible death threats.

Season 3, episode 17: the series' producers probably assessed correctly why voters chose Joe over more intelligent and better prepared (but coloured/woman/both) candidates.

Season 3, epsode 18: from your mouth to my ears, cartoon former president. And a reminder why the Trump presidency happened at all.

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