Previous Next

Assignments II

Taking the "what if they decided to ditch paradise" train of thought a little further: what if, rather than integrate in human society by passing themselves off as human, the furry foursome decided instead to pretend to be domesticated dogs? There are definite advantages: they don't need to hide their true form or habits, no one expects them to do things they weren't built to do, and if there's someone they really don't like, they can simply rearrange that person's flower beds. The qualms that two of them have about being "owned" will soon disappear when they learn the well-hidden truth that the dog, and not the human, rules the household. Leaving only one consideration: how well can they master the following canine accomplishments?

Walk on a leash

Kiba's pride forbids him to accept a leash. After he's bitten through a collection of leather leashes and a thick steel chain, his owner is beginning to see his point.

Both Tsume and Hige see the leash as a means of taking their human where they want to go, and use it accordingly.

Toboe has yet to master the concept "choke collar".

Fetch the paper

Kiba's attitude is that if people don't want their newspaper chewed and tattered, they should go get it themselves.

Hige is willing to fetch the paper in return for one doggy biscuit (payable in advance).

Picking up the paper is the last thing Toboe does after following the paper girl on her round, joyfully thanking her for that one time she fed him a sausage.

Tsume picks up the paper every morning, but won't let anyone touch it until he's finished reading it.

Protect the house against burglars

Toboe greets the stranger with licks and wagging, but, once he realizes this is no friendly visitor, starts barking loudly and indignantly, setting off a chorus of barking dogs and waking up the whole neighbourhood.

Hige happily accepts the drugged steak offered to him.

Tsume knocks the intruder unconscious with a well-aimed head butt and dials the number of the local police station.

Having understood that dogs are not allowed to kill humans, Kiba merely chases the burglar out of the house, down the street, out of town and into a neighbouring country.

Play fetch

Both Kiba and Tsume watch the stick/ball/other object sailing over their head with extreme uninterest and more than a little contempt. If the thrower is an impressionable young child manifesting deep disappointment at the lack of response, Tsume might decide to pick it up and carry it back, just this once.

Toboe loves this game, and brings back the punctured, deflated remains of a volley ball with a wagging tail.

Hige's point of view is that once he's caught the object, it's his.

Share the house with other pets

For Toboe, sharing the house with cats is an obvious no-no. He's very affectionate towards pets of other species, although mysteriously they always wind up dead.

Tsume doesn't care what lives in the house with him, as long as it leaves him alone.

Kiba doesn't tolerate dogs, especially the yappy kind.

The more the merrier, is Hige's idea, especially if they're canine and female and/or the contents of their food dishes meet his nutritional requirements.

Go to the vet

Hige drops a pack of condoms in the vet's lap to prove that he doesn't need to be neutered, no, really not.

Toboe is happy as a baby with all the attention, until he gets his shots.

Standing on the table and having his ears, eyes and throat peered into, Kiba feels he's never been so humiliated in his life. Of course, he hasn't yet seen the assistant coming with the thermometer.

Tsume snaps at the trembling dogs in the waiting room to stop whining.

General obedience training

In Tsume's opinion, civilized wolves don't need obedience training as they do not kill humans, attack cats, howl, break things, scent-mark the house or chew on the furniture. They do, however, take their owner's purse and go shopping themselves if the food doesn't measure up to their expectations.

Kiba doesn't take orders. Period. Telling him how disappointed Cheza would be at his behaviour sometimes helps.

Hige is easy-going, eager to please and open to bribes of all kinds.

Disobedience has never been Toboe's problem. It's more a matter of lack of tail control.

Go to a dog show

Tsume and Kiba are totally appalled at the idea and start growling each time the subject is brought up.

Hige thinks it might be a good opportunity to meet pretty girls.

Toboe allows himself to be obedience-trained and groomed to a shiny finish for the big event. He returns with a medal and is incredibly bratty about it for weeks.

Previous Top Next