Adopt-a-stray

This one is based on the "do you have what it takes to adopt a Siberian Husky" sort of questionnaire, which, incidentally, is remarkably similar to the "could you take care of a wolfdog" type of checklist. The scenario: deserted by an irresponsible owner and/or blasted by Darcia's death rays, five wounded strays are taken to an animal care centre and nursed back to health. The carers then set about finding new homes for them, drawing up a set of questions for each one to make sure that prospective owners won't take in the animal that just isn't right for them.

Kiba:

Forget it.

Hige:

• Does your fridge have a padlock?
  
  
• Are you prepared for paternity suits from furious dog owners in the neighbourhood?
  
  
• Is your eyesight keen enough to detect sleight of muzzle, so that you can take action before your pet is arrested for shoplifting? Do you have experience with body-searching wolves?
  
  
• Do you usually carry crowbars and hacksaws on you, in case your pet needs to be rescued from whatever trap he stumbled into this time?

If pet antics only amuse you, prepare for ongoing entertainment with this eternally good-tempered bundle of fluff, who in addition should shed enough undercoat to knit a pile of sweaters and stuff a mattress. Be sure, though, to replace the collar with one that won't give him headaches later on.

Tsume

• How would you feel about a pet who totally ignores you and any orders you give, yet barks at you accusingly every time you do something wrong?
  
  
• Would you be disappointed by a house companion who does NOT want to be stroked, patted, praised, cuddled, hugged, snuggled, gurgled at, played with or followed around, and who may lash out at any attempt to do so?
  
  
• Would you be freaked out if you found your pet using the bed, phone, TV remote, shower, microwave or game console?
  
  
• Would you stay calm if the police came to your door, claiming your dog's pawprints were found at the scene of the crime?

If all this leaves you unfazed, and you don't mind an animal that keeps its own hours, you'll find this one to be remarkably low-maintenance. Although invariably gruff and bad-tempered, it may, if it takes a like to you, show its affection by rescuing you from hostile characters, awkward situations, fatal falls off slippery structures, gun-toting maniacs, killer robots, imprisonment and bug attacks.

Toboe

• Are you, your household possessions and any other pets you may have, indestructible?
  
  
• Are you willing to devote 100% of your time to this animal and any friends it may bring home with it?
  
  
• Do you object to having medical help administered to you by unqualified persons/beings while you're out cold?
  
  
• Does no amount of stupidity amaze you?

If you're willing to sit out the ride of a cub learning about life through making every mistake imaginable, then this lovable bundle of joy will feel right at home with you. The inexperience will disappear with the years, but the warm heart will stay. Not only that, but you'll be the proud owner of the only known wolf to have a working knowledge of herbal remedies.

Blue

• Are you the kind of low-life who gets drunk in bars and leaves the dog chained up outside, exposed to abuse from passing soldiers?
  
  
• Do you expect your pet to loyally support your murderous obsession, while you yourself expect it to turn vicious any moment, and treat it accordingly?
  
  
• Are you totally unaware that any pet requires food, water, shelter, attention and periodic medical checkups?
  
  
• Would you abandon a bleeding dog to pursue your own desire to put a bullet in something?

You don't deserve so much as a pet cockroach, but Blue knows no better. Loyal, courageous and possessed of a strong work ethic, she'll be happy to get mauled for your sake. Don't worry about taking care of this one - she'll take care of you.